10 Things NOT To Do in a Breakup
We've all been there: halfway through a pint of ice cream, surrounded by tear soaked tissues watching your third chic-flick in a row. It's the breakup routine we all fall into sooner or later, and it happens for good reason, so that we can mourn the end of the relationship, and then move on with our lives. Though finding the right Ryan Gosling movie to cheer you up (and help you set your goals a little higher for your next suitor), getting through a break-up isn't just about what you do. It's also about what you don't do. Avoid these fatal attempts if you find yourself heartbroken, and you'll not only save yourself a world of hurt...you'll save your dignity too.
1. Don't call him too much
When your relationship has ended involuntarily-a nice way of saying you got dumped-there will be many nights which you find yourself running through all the questions of how and why. The truth is, knowing these answers won't help you, because knowing them won't give you the key to putting it back together. If he had wanted to give you an opportunity to fix the problems, he would have told you while still in the relationship, or at the very least before breaking up with you. Not only that, as much as it hurts to know, sometimes men just stop wanting the relationship we give them. It's not complicated, they just don't want it any more. Calling him too much will only make you look desperate, and though he might talk to you simply to be nice, he won't enjoy it. And you won't feel any better. In fact you'll probably feel worse. Keep your head up, and your phone down.
2. Don't call his friends
Or his family for that matter. They don't want to hear from you. Just like your friends stick by you, they are going to stick by him. And they won't give you any insider information either. It'll just make you look crazy.
3. Don't become a bottom feeder
Having a 'rebound' is often a go-to routine for those familiar with the terrors of a breakup. For some, it works. It clears their head, reminds them of how attractive and wanted they are, and helps them jump back into playing the field. For others, it becomes a self-deprecating act of negative indulgence, and ruins the sense of self esteem. This usually happens when you simply take the first guy who comes on to you, even if you're not attracted to him, and your intention revolves around trying to create an intensely intimate connection (with a stranger!) like the one you had in your relationship. You've become a bottom feeder, trying to suck the life off the dirty, sleezy guys you find. Don't be a bottom feeder. Unless you go into a rebound knowing it is simply a fun, casual event that you won't dwell on-and you choose a man of your worth!-then it's probably best to avoid this tactic.
4. Don't cut off all your hair
The only exception to this was that A) you were planning to anyway, and have the appointment already set pre-breakup. Or B) he loved your long hair, and you can't stand to look at it. Every girl has the notion to cut off their hair after a bad breakup to give themselves the most drastically different look they can. If you are attached to your hair now, you will be attached to it once it's cut off too, and then you'll have two things to mourn. Tread with caution.
5. Don't wear out your own friends
You know your girls are there for you through thick and thin, and if they are worth anything they will be beside you through this too. But don't confuse their comfort with unending sympathy. Follow the golden rule of mourning: for every six months you were together, you get one week of feeling sorry for yourself, crying, and being overall obnoxiously sad to all your friends. After your time of grieving, don't keep bringing the subject of your ex to your friends. They signed up for friend-you, not ex-girlfriend-you, and if that is the only character you can bring to them, they will get sick of hearing about 'him' and how much you miss him. If they were there for you like good friends should be, you owe it to them to be a good friend back and move one and be the friend they fell in love with again.
6. Don't seek revenge
Whether he cheated on you, abandoned you, chose his job over you, or whatever else he might have done, doing anything drastic and vengeful will only look pathetic...Unless of course you are filthy rich and can take him for all he's worth in court. That always looks cool. Otherwise, it will be really hard to explain why you burned all his clothes. Keeping cool, calm and collected on the outside (even if you're totally losing it on the inside) will only make him more crazy. And that's the goal isn't it?
7. Don't resort to old habits
Full of denial, many women return to old, harmful habits in a subconscious effort to make their ex concerned about them. But in a break up, you don't really want his pity, do you? He can't fall back in love with someone he pities. So don't start smoking again. Don't start hurting your body in any way. Don't start hanging out with an old, scary crowd again. Don't start drinking too much again. Or any other negative habits. Beating it once was hard enough. You don't want to have to do it again.
8. Don't try to blackmail him
It's awful to even have to mention this one, but it does sometimes come to this. Do not try to blackmail your ex with anything, especially if you have children involved. You are better than that.
9. Don't try to seduce his friends
They will tell him. And even if they let you, and you do get his friends into bed, you will feel awful tomorrow. Not only that, you are just asking for them to call you the worst names in the book.
10. Don't prevent yourself from moving on
When a breakup comes your way that really dismantles you life, you may find yourself wanting to do anything to get the relationship back. At the end of the day, the fact remains that the relationship ended. Even if you were to get back with your ex, it would have to be on a new playing field, one in which you were both healed from the hurt of the old relationship and were two complete, content people again. You cannot build a house on top of an old, decrepit one; you need new soil and a strong foundation. So even if you are hoping that someday you might get back together, let yourself move on now and heal. Don't let the hope and love you have for him keep you from getting on with your life, you will only ensure your own unhappiness. If you've stopped wearing makeup, doing your hair, and wearing clothes (wearing your pajamas every day does not count as clothes), you're keeping yourself in the heartache, and every time you look in the mirror you will remember it.
What you CAN do in a breakup:
-Go shopping, and get cute new clothes that show off your gorgeous body and help remind you how beautiful are.
-Start a new hobby, like learning a new language or taking a cooking class to take your mind off of it.
-Start a new exercise routine to get into shape...even if part of your reason is to show him how hot you are without him.
-Take a new risk in your life now that you're not tied down. Move to the big city, jump into a career you've always been dreaming about, start writing your book. Go ahead! You're free!
-Let your heart break. It's ok to take a few days to be with just you, cry, and let yourself experience the breakup head on. But once your little heartache vacation is over, put away the ice cream and pick yourself back up again!